next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Four minutes until I can fart!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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