I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
