dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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