It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
