God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
