We won't sleep together?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
