these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Hello my rib-scented angel!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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