The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Is it because I queefed?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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