I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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