But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
