3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
