I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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