what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
