He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
