my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
