Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
