It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
