a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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