I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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