I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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