I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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