If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
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Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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