Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
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