I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
