Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
