if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
