I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
