What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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