Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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