Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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