Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
