He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
