When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
