i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
