chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
