I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
