Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Who wears a wallet chain?!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
