Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
