Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Why did my mother make you get naked?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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