I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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