In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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