My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
