So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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