Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
