Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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