if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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