suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
