Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
