wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
