she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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