She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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