Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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