the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
im holly from the hills drunk
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
