Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
