I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
