Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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