I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
