I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
