the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
